Barn Love

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Not so fast...

According to my husband, "you + tragedy - me = comedy".

Well, here's hoping that you can get a laugh out of something that has plagued us our entire marriage. We can't seem to have a "quickie". 

In honor of our 7 year wedding anniversary happening tomorrow, I've compiled a list of 7 reasons and unfortunate stories about why we just can't seem to seal the deal in a hurry.

The inspiration for this post started this morning when Jeff and I found ourselves alone in my mother in law's walk in pantry. We stole a quick kiss, to which he said "hey, we could have a quickie in here".  My response was "you know that we can't, strange things always happen when we do." Of course at this point, his mom is in the pantry looking for who knows what and says " what are you talking about". Normally we would have skirted around the subject, but we were in a fun mood so we told her - and now I'm telling the magical world of the internet.

1. A Power Outage

We have well water, so when the power goes out, the water is out too.  The first Christmas that we were married, we decided to have a little rendezvous in the shower before Christmas dinner.  Lo and behold, what happens? Yep, you guessed it, the power went out.

Perhaps the funniest part of this story is that people had asked us separately what we were doing when the power went out (yes, our family is nosey apparently) and we both gave the same answer "I was in the shower".  Their faces when they figured it out were pretty priceless.

2. A Giant Sand Dune

A few years back, my inlaws and Kooper's Godfather and his wife all rented a house in the Outer Banks. Needless to say with 7 people and a baby, private time was at a minimum.  Then one by one they all left, the baby napped,  and we had the place to ourselves. It was like the stars had aligned and we knew what we had to do, or at least try to do.


The majority of them went to a place called Jockey's Ridge, which is essentially a very large sand dune. My sister and father and law were going to hang glide my mother in law wanted to watch.  Even though our friends were headed in that direction, my mother in law didn't want to burden them with an extra stop, so she walked.  Did I mention that it was like 100 degrees? Our friends passed her on the road and decided to pick her up. Did I also mention that we didn't know that any of this was happening?

Some time passes and the phone rings. We, like anyone else in the same situation didn't answer right away. Finally we did and it was the Godfather saying "something is wrong with your mom, I thought that she was going to puke in my brand new car so I let her out".  Wait, did he really just say that he let your mom out in the 100 degree heat to WALK  the rest of the way to the sand dune after he said she was gonna throw up!?  A phone call like that will kill the mood in a matter of seconds. I can attest, it happened to me first hand.  We got ourselves together, woke our son up, and went to her rescue.

To this day, and up until she reads this, she never knew what were were up to and why we always laugh hysterically when we talk about "the time she got heat stroke in the OBX".

3. My Dad

Now might be as good of a time as any to mention that we've been trying to have another baby. With that, of course means that things have to be well timed.

Jeff and I had the opportunity to vacation at the beach with my parents last year. The condo that they rented had two bedrooms and a sofa bed. Mom and dad in one bedroom, Kooper in another and us on the sofa bed.  No biggie.

That is, until you have a positive ovulation test and everyone is asleep except for my dad. The man who usually has been in dreamland for at least three hours at this time of night. But no, not this night - he's just randomly walking around the condo like he doesn't have anything better to do. Every time we thought the coast was clear he would pop out of their room again. It's like he knew..  ugh, maybe he did. Though, I doubt it. There's something funny and awkward about waiting for your son AND your parents to go to bed before getting your groove on.

4. Kooper

As any parent knows, the day when your child can climb out of his or her crib is a life-changing one. For them it means freedom, for you it means nap time sex is over.

Regardless of locked doors and baby monitors, we still had the constant conversation of "do you hear the baby, I think I hear him walking around".  Cue, stopping what you're doing to check on him only to find out he's sound asleep and to repeat the whole conversation again in 30 seconds.

Yeah, this doesn't really get much accomplished - and at the end of it, I didn't even get a nap. Talk about annoying.

5. My Mother in law

Since we've been at their house, she likes to go in and snuggle with Kooper at night.  On this particular night, she fell asleep in bed with him. No one knew. No offense, but we didn't really care where she was - our son was asleep and it was "go time".

Until... we heard a knock at the door. We both thought, was that a knock? Yeah, it was. So we stopped for a moment to collect our thoughts (and our clothes) and hoped that whoever was knocking would go away.

Then, another knock.  We answered the door. Who was it? My father in law looking for my mother in law.  He said "have you seen mom?"  Ummm, nope, we haven't, and we're okay with that. We didn't say that of course, but for a few days after we would laugh and randomly say "have you seen mom".

6. Someone is bleeding

As many of you know, we are currently remodeling our house.  We had a crew of guys working on framing the house and roof.

Jeff and I had an appointment in the afternoon - Koop was with his mom, his dad was outside working. Yep, you guessed it...  and again, a shut down.

In spite of all of the people working outside, I was able to talk the hubby into a quick romp. I have to tell you, that I honestly have no idea what went on from here. The rest was told to me after the fact by Jeff . Apparently there was some yelling outside - we had a few guys that were on the loud side, so I didn't think much of it. Then, Jeff heard his dad say "he's bleeding, let me go and get Kathy (my MIL) so that she can check it out." And with that, our romp ended - with blood and stitches. But not for us.

In case you were wondering, one of the guys was sawing a board and it somehow managed to land on the head of another one of the guys who wasn't wearing any safety gear. For those that have been following the renovation, this was the same dude that kept stepping through our ceiling.  If your memory is foggy, you can read about it again here.

7. A quickie is never quick

For some, maybe.  For us, not so much.  Jeff likes to think of it as "getting an extra life in a video game". You do something good, and just as your life is ready to run out, you get another one. And pretty soon, your quickie has turned in to exactly the opposite.

So, there you have it. Our reasons why quick sex is off of the table for us. I'm really adamant about it. We had a perceived opportunity the other night when the whole family was around and Kooper was occupied and I literally said "No, your grandmother is here and something bad ALWAYS happens". I don't need that kind of drama in my life when all I want is a quick roll in the sheets with my man.


  1. OMG, this is so funny! I wish you better luck next time! :)

  2. So funny - it seems like your family is secretly opposed to you guys making it happen!